Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts
Showing posts with label funny. Show all posts

Monday, June 8, 2015

Confession Time: I'm Mad


(PSA: mini York peppermint patties are like little tablets of ambrosia set with the flavor imparted from being served in the Holy Grail.) 
"The British have always been madly overambitious, and from one angle it can seem like bravery, but from another it looks suspiciously like a lack of foresight." -Ben Aaronovitch Whispers Under Ground 
I know nothing about the book from which Goodreads helpfully pulled the quote which towers above your page, but I do know that according to it, I must be British. See, I suffer from a distinct madness called Leaping Before I Look. It's part of my ENFP personality type, I know. The Inspirer: we see potential everywhere, in everything and everyone. We're probably most susceptible to plot bunnies, starting stories we don't finish, and generally sitting, like Daisy March, wearing a benevolent smile and announcing,
"Me wuvs evvybody!"
Thankfully, I've managed to more or less curb that impulse to "abandon stories in favor of a fresher idea". I hope to be a good mother someday. I've got to learn to see things through, right? Just so. But the bug called Inspiration bites me frequently and sometimes I careen past Caution, Sense, Logic, and the street-corner called Informed Consumer and thoroughly embrace an opportunity. It's a loveable failing, but a definite failing.

Last November I felt in a mood to write a short story and, because I don't like to write things that won't see the light of day, I did a quick Google-search on story-writing contests. In my delvings, I found an "essay contest" for an inspirational magazine. The essays requested were something along the lines of a letter from your one-hundred year-old self to yourself now. The idea was odd, struck my fancy, and produced something written in a fit of the writing-wiggles called "The Secret To Red Lipstick". Happily, there was no entry fee for this particular contest and the only thing I had to risk was rejection. If I was accepted, there was a $2,500 prize in view. I sent the thing in and literally forgot it. In January I happened to sort through my Google Drive files and see the essay. I read it over, recalled vaguely that I had entered some contest with it and never heard back, and closed the file and the memory. A few weeks later, I received an email in my inbox from a man of whom I'd never heard. When I read the thing, I was made to understand that the man in question was the editor-in-chief from Fountain Magazine (the contest-host). He wrote to inform me that he had discussed matters with his colleagues and, though my essay had not placed in the contest, they intended to publish "The Secret To Red Lipstick" in the next issue of Fountain. Thinking this was rather an unexpected and curious turn of events (and furthermore, having been reminded of the name of the publication to which I had submitted my piece), I decided to Google the magazine and see what sort of banner my words would fly under.
In a moment I was a puddle of laughter, dismay, tears, and hilarity on my bed while my sister looked on in some small concern. Dear reader, Fountain Magazine is a primarily Islamic publication focusing on science, literature, art, and inspirational fiction. I believe I am probably the only outspokenly-Christian writer who could accidentally land herself a gig in a Muslim magazine. After my initial shock and awe, I sent a few emails back and forth with the editor, discussing whether I was the best match for the magazine's goals, the fact that when I entered, I had accepted the small-print detail (who reads those?) that I had given the magazine permission to publish my story. We also discussed the fact that since my faith was so important to me, I would be given special permission to mention my religious affiliation in my bio-blurb. The editor was fantastically courteous, understanding, easy-going, and respectful and what had initially been a "what the heck?!" moment for me became a lesson learned. I had not researched the publication to which I was submitting my work. I did not read the Terms & Conditions. I had done absolutely nothing in the way of approaching the thing as a mature adult, and yet it ended up being a good experience. Why? Because of another person who did act like a mature person.



I learned that one must always take time to research, to learn the audience, and to be certain that one's work would be a good fit. But more importantly, I learned that there are ways to solve differences without compromising ground. The day I received the package with my copies of the issue of Fountain in which my article appeared (and my check), was a proud day for me. The layout was beautiful. My words were my own. And they had appeared, professionally laid-out and paid-for in an international magazine despite my lack of foresight. Hearken to this advice, chillens: do your research. But keep in mind that sometimes the mad-man wins in spite of his own idiocy.

Monday, April 21, 2014

Hay un Amigo en Mi!

Today, I'm trying not to be frantic about the fact that we are out in the (beautiful) day working in the garden instead of being able to format and finish first-round edits on Anon, Sir, Anon. Hopefully I will manage to finish edits during lunch and have a little extra time after we finish gardening in which to write up a few inserts and pieces I want to add. But for all the fact that today is one of those Real World Collides With Art days, there are beautiful things. Beautiful funny things, like the one I captured in the video below. Have a laugh and a happy day. :)

Monday, July 22, 2013

Introducing Affery's Dose!

Don't ask.

Sometimes we all need to take ourselves a little less seriously and admit that a writer's life can be amusing rather than constantly involving the hypochondria we press upon ourselves. Why is it that we seldom read amusing posts, instead reading ones about Writer's Block and all the Wretched Ways of Editors & Agents & Co.? Probably because no one has ever done what I'm about to do here. This feature was inspired partly by the pilot-story I will soon relate, and partly by Jenny Freitag's frequent Facebook posts about the interesting things that happen in her day-to-day life as a writer. The feature of which I speak is...

....(rolling of drums...beating of hooves...clashing of thunder...whispering of awkward audience...)....

Affery's Dose

"Affery's Dose" will be a somewhat familiar term to those of you who are Dickens fans and have read his Little Dorrit. To those who have not, I am sorry and will explain: Essentially, "Affery" is the wife of a wretched old man named Flintwinch, and when he decides he would like to beat her, he tells her he'll "give (her) such a dose!" so I thought to myself, if laughter doeth like medicine, and medicine is administered in "doses" and we all need that sort of physic often in life, why not make it a frequent feature here on The Inkpen Authoress? If you are still confused on this point, I will make it clearer in a step-by-step diagram:
1.) Live life as a writer and have funny/awkward/interesting things happen to you relating to that
2.) Remember those things
3.) Write them down and send them to me at theinkpenauthoress(at)gmail(dot)com with the subject line "Affery's Dose"
4.) Wait and see if your story is featured here!
5.) Spread the news

Now if you still don't understand, I think your hope is caseless. Or your case is hopeless as it may be. You probably don't belong reading this blog, at any rate. The long and short of it is: I want your stories. Funny stories. Awkward stories. Stories you chuckle over think, "Gosh. A writer's life..." Those kinds. The hodge-podge of amusing occurrences. They don't have to be long or agonized over. Just tell the story as you'd describe it to a friend, and click "send". And I need lots of them so if you would like to mention Affery's Dose on your blogs and encourage your writer-readers to contribute, that would be bombdiggitty.  As an example to spur you onward, I shall now relate the Only Case in Which Milne Embarrassed Me:

     On my way to Colorado to work with a group of students for a week at government camp, I was herded onto a tiny plane. Seats were assigned and at first my prospects were not too shabby: I got a window seat on the side of the plane that had pairs of seats. Leg room!, I hoped. Then a young gentleman of about thirty came ambling along the aisle. I stiffened, hoping he would notice the seat next to me. He did. We spent the next two hours pressed arm-to-arm and he would not sit still. At first I took out a hand-scrawled copy of Ephesians 1 which I had been trying to memorize, but my mind would not focus.     Instead, I pulled The House at Pooh Corner from my purse and wished for the first time in my life that the cover was not spangled with bumble-bees on a pale green ground. My mood improved upon reading the book from cover-to-cover, and I was somewhat emboldened by the thought that the young man had probably not bothered to notice what the plump girl hermetically sealed to his arm had brought for reading material.
    Then it happened.    I dropped The House at Pooh Corner. On the gentleman's feet. He could not have just let it sit there bumble-bee-ing on his toes till I rummaged myself into a position on the miniscule plane to retrieve it. Oh no. He put his iPhone aside, folded himself like a card table and went spelunking for my book, resurfacing with a grin and a slightly puzzled glance at the cover.
     "Oh, thanks," I mumbled, and stuffed Milne back into the purse so he could disgrace me no longer with his silly bumble-bees and Poohs and antics of throwing himself onto a complete stranger's sandals.
*bows and walks off the stage*

That is the sort of story I'd love to receive. I know you have misadventures, and that's what Affery's Dose is all about. So come one, come all, and do share your wild and wooly stories! I will be posting them periodically on this blog for as long as they last, and I'd love to grow the circulation of these tales till everyone knew about Affery's Dose and was lying in wait for stories to happen to them to send in. So do spread the word and be decent chaps! Publicity is awaiting your return!

Wednesday, December 5, 2012

Captivate Me

While looking through a stack of old family pictures yesterday, I found evidence that I've always been what you might call a book-devourer...


Yep. 

That's me! Haven't changed a bit in that respect. 

So! What do you say we have a caption contest? Yep. Just for random kicks and giggles and wanting-to-see-how-your-improv.-skills-work. Just leave your caption or two in a comment below and I'll pick three of my favorites and put them up on a poll. Ready?

Sunday, April 22, 2012

It gives one a sense of irony...


Here are some funny writing tips I found today. Enjoy reading them. :)


  • Finish your point on an upbeat note...unless you can't think of one
  • Don't patronize your reader--he or she might well be intelligent enough to spot it
  • Avoid unnecessary examples. e.g. this one
  • Similes are about as much use as a chocolate teapot.
  • Mixed metaphors can kill two birds without a paddle.
  • Take care with pluri.
  • If you can't think of the word you have in mind, look  it up in one of those dictionary-type thingies.
  • Do you really think people are impressed with rhetorical questions?
  • Sarcasm--yes, I bet that will go down really well.
  • Less is more. This means that a short, cryptic statement is often preferable to an accurate, but drawn out, explanation that lacks punch and loses the reader.
  • Many readers assume that a word will not assume two meanings within the same sentence.
  • Some early drafts of this document had had clumsy juxtapositions
  • If there's a word on the tip of your tongue that you can't quite pin down, use a cinnamon.
  • Strangely enough it is impossible to construct a sentence that illustrates the meaning of the word 'irony.'
  • Practice humility until you're really sure you have it down.
  • There is no place for overemphasis whatsoever.


....I love irony.... :D